Is it okay to be not okay?

Been some time since I written on Nasi le-Mak. I have been quite busy this summer from trying to raise my MMR in dota from the shit 3k tier to 4k tier. I have achieve success on that front and been hanging out with some friends. I decided to take on a position on the organising committee for an event called Deliciux. Basically it's a three-tiered event with a food trail, restaurant week and some workshops. I am not really interested in the workshop but planning a food trail and restaurant seemed quite fun.

As most of you may know, I did not get the position I was running for. I ran for president but they threw to me sponsorship but I accepted it anyway as I didn't want to pangseh my friend. Basically that was the start of the nightmare. I feel that in my position, I do not really get recognised for my efforts. After all who the fuck knows the backroom staff when Leicester won the league and they only know the manager's name. So I decided to put aside recognition and try to find something out of doing sponsorship. Is it my role here to bond them again as I was always the joker. I must admit I am really friendly and welcoming to people, but to what extent people may or may not exploit this I would not know. Right now, I am just feeling down. I don't really know why though. I think it could be due to exhaustion, exhausting trying to talk to people who don't reciprocate, exhausting to maintain that fake smile during work, exhausting to entertain my friends when I am sick of human contact. Exhausted of being exhausted.



They say it's all in the mind. Exhaustion that is. But there always come a time when a person breaks. They say,"Fuck it" and throw in the towel.There have been plenty of moments whereby I can put in the fucking white towel but I don't. I know that if I give up, all the months and weeks of effort I put into it would go to waste. You just don't simply quit when the going gets tough. For a simple reason, you must have started on it as the you then wanted to do it. The you now may not be the same one in the past. But the present you would thank the past you for daring to take that leap of faith in all of your endeavours.

I maybe vague in the phrasing of things as I am just writing my thoughts down. Lately, I feel that human interaction is a cruel thing and I would be talking about how some people can show their feelings on their face while some can hide and submerge it. My buddy in work is one person who cannot hide her feelings. Her face can show her disappointment in things easily. Just on wednesday, our colleague gave us some free durian puff. I was happily eating it but when she chewed into it, her face was as if she ate a pile of shit. She immediately stuffed the half-eaten puff to me and shoved it down my throat. To make matters worse, the staff came back later and gave me the "extra" durian puff. Okay that was some digress but back to the main matter, showing your disappointment may not be a bad thing.

Most of the time, I don't really show my disappointment in people. And they think "HAHA this Han Ren is a joker I am sure he will be fine." Oh fuck that theory, Han Ren is still human after all. My threshold for rubbish and jokes may be high and it just means I expect better of people. I expect them to not let me down. And when they let me down, I really fucking feel disappointed. The way I deal with it is to not talk about it and just be angsty in general. However, this way I tend to hurt the people closest to me. So end up I dont talk about it and just suffer in silence.

Will all this change if I had showed my disappointment? Would people then come up to me and talk to me or even comfort me? But will people think that as a guy I am being overly sensitive? Seriously, the more I think about it I realise humanity is fucked. First people would judge you based on the things you do rather than how you do it. Next people would judge you on how you feel. Come on, we all are made of flesh and blood. We all suffer the same way as the next person would. A person who always have a smile on his face doesn't mean that he won't feel disappointment. It just means that he is suppressing it even further.



And sometimes, I wonder if it is okay, to be not okay.

EDIT:

Reality check, it's Friday and it's finally the end of the first week of work. I learnt 2 very important things this week. First is about time management. After slaving away 9 hours of your life at work, you only have a couple of hours after you head home. How do you spend it then? I spent the first few days away with my friends and I realised that's the fucking wrong decision to make. Always choose family first. Family is what is most important in your fucking life. So if you didn't make the extra effort to go home, and see your parents you need to get your shit together and do so this instance. The next thing I learnt is that there are really many friends of convenience. People would just meet up because they are in school and it is easy to meet up regularly. However, after work kicks in people wouldn't make you a priority and want to meet up with you. This is the sad truth about life. Your priorities may not always coincide with other people's and you need to deal with it. No point crying about it but just fucking accept that it's a fact of life. Life will never go the way you want it to be. You need to fight for it to go your way. Or the opportunity will slip by forever.

And no, I still don't really feel okay this week. But it's okay. I believe that feeling not okay will eventually past and it is all part and parcel of life. Don't give me that our path is dictated by fate shit. I just believe that we would experience everything that life has to offer and the choice will always lie with us. On how we plan to handle it. On whether we dodge it or go against it head on. This time, I am going to go against it head on and see what happens.

And I know it is okay to be not okay.